You ask me how this got started; I can only reply, "I don't know." One day you simply notice a girl and feel an attraction the moment you lay eyes on her. You see her again and you begin thinking what it might be like to speak with her, take her out on a date, hold her hand. You imagine yourself looking into those big - and I do mean big - green eyes and telling her everything you feel and will ever feel for her. But I was beginning to believe that I would never tell her anything. I held her in total awe; I was terrified to even approach her. I had a wonderful chance only two nights ago at the skating rink; there she was, putting on a performance that had everybody, including her friends, stunned. She had always seemed to me a bit more daring, a little braver than the others. That inner toughness captured my heart every bit as much as her lush brown hair and tiny, dimpled smile. Yet, as full as my heart felt, I left the rink without a word to her...only dreams of what could have been. I couldn't do this alone. It was time to seek help.
"So, are you ready to say something funny about your parents?" The moon-faced therapist held his pencil at the ready.
"I don't have anything funny to say about them, Doctor. That's not why I'm here."
He looked at me without expression and I felt increasingly annoyed. Not only was the Doc stubborn, he was impossible to look at for any length of time; his shimmering, squiggling outline was giving me a tremendous headache. He tented his hands in his lap and eyed me warily.
"No, you don't understand, Dr. Toon. All my patients have something funny to say. It doesn't have to be, well, ha-ha funny. A little funny would do wonders here."
"I didn't come here to be funny! I have a problem!"
"A funny problem. Go ahead, that's a good first line."
I stood up angrily. "Look, you're supposed to be the best professional therapist in this whole freakin' city and you aren't even listening to me! I come here for help and you want a stand-up routine!"
"Now we're getting someplace." he said with a wriggly smile.
"Never mind, Doc. I'm outta here!" Within moments I was standing in the street rubbing my eyes and waiting for my blurry vision to clear. Then it struck me like a bolt of lightning! I knew who could help me win her heart; It was so simple that I cursed myself for not thinking of it in the first place!
Within two days of placing my ad in the Toontown Times classifieds, I found myself amazed by the number of replies. I suggested a meeting at my home. And now, at last, here they were: The greatest experts on love and romance available in Toontown...all working for me! I surveyed the room, feeling more buoyant with each passing moment: There, looking suave in his zoot suit, a pointy-eared Wolf leaned coolly on his cane, pinkie extended as he raised a glass of wine beneath his long snout. Next to him stood a square-jawed, husky Casanova in a pair of black shades, vigorously combing his blond pompadour. Sitting off by himself was a supremely confident bon vivant of a skunk, rubbing his fingernails against his chest and then admiring the shine. A lanky man with a blond crewcut laconically surveyed the scene as he leaned against the opposite wall, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. Two young teens were also present: The taller of the two was a brown-haired lad wearing a "Skull" T-shirt. His fair-haired companion's shirt bore the inscription: "Death Rock"; they giggled maniacally at some private joke while stuffing their faces with my hors d'oeuvers. Rounding out the guest list was a short pink teddy bear wearing a joyful smile (and two hearts on her tummy).
"Let's get started." I began. "I'd like to tell you why I've asked you all to come today."
"Huh-huh-huh! You said 'come'!" giggled the brown-haired boy.
The muscleman pointed his finger at the skinny lad; the gesture produced a sharp, whooshing sound. "You gonna let him talk or do I pull your tongue out like a windowshade?" There was immediate silence.
"Let's start again," I said. "I have brought you together to help me solve a problem. One that keeps me up night and day. I can't eat, I can't concentrate, and I can't go on like this much longer."
"Ahhh!" ventured the skunk with a sly smile. "From what you are saying, eet must be zee loooove, yes?"
"Yes!" I cried. "Eet ees - I mean - it is! That's why I need your advice, your strategies, your secrets!"
The thin man in jeans spoke up. "Dang ol'love, tell you whut man, one time walkin' down the street next thing, man this big ol' Boing! like right through the heart same night she says no means no, man."
The rest of the assemblege looked at each other in puzzlement until the manic young lad in the "Skull" T-Shirt piped up:
"Yeah! Whatever! Huh-huh! So which one of you guys is gonna tell us, uh, how to score with chicks! Huh-huh!"
"What?" I said in bewilderment, "You're supposed to be helping ME!"
"This meeting sucks! We wanna hear the secrets of love!" giggled "Skull"
. "Yeah!" exclaimed the fair-haired teen, pointing at me. "You're like, too old for chicks, dude! Huhhuhhuh! I bet you haven't seen old woody in years! Huhuhuhuh!"
I jumped up furiously. "You little-"
"Woa!" snorted his friend "Now you got them mad, ass-munch!"
The blonde bodybuilder yanked both kids up by the napes of their necks and growled at the offender. "I got just one thing to say to you, Mister! You and him are way outta this scene!" With a deft motion he hurled the two boys through the open window. "now," he said, "let's get down to talkin' about my irresistible charm with the ladies."
Relieved at having my unwelcome guests ejected, I produced a cel of my true love and held it up for all to see. "This is her, people. Do you see what I mean?"
"Whoa, MAMA!"
"Sacre bleu!"
"Dang, that's some thang, looky there!"
The foppish wolf took one look at the cel and jerked into the air , his body straightening like a steel rod. His eyes grew to five times their size and burst out of their sockets, nearly knocking the cel from my hand. "OWOOOOOWOO!!!" he howled. His drooling toungue extended to the floor; his legs revved like propellors; there was a sudden explosion and the next thing I knew, there was a wolf-shaped hole in my wall and no sign of the creature that made it.
"I think she's very cute," said the little pink bear as the dust settled, "and I think I know how to help you."
"You?" I laughed, brushing off bits of plaster. "Look, Whole Lotta Love Bear, or whatever you call yourself, this is serious. Now, I've seen YOUR cartoons, and-"
"Ah!" she exclaimed. "Then you've seen these!" Vibrant pink hearts materialized from her fingers and floated in the air. As the skunk, the muscleman, and the thin dude gaped in surprise, the bear gave a short curtsey. "My specialty. These little hearts have the power to make love bloom in anybody's-"
"OH MAMA! Those little suckers are MINE" shouted the muscleman. He swiped the hearts out of the air with that odd, whooshing sound but the skunk whipped the shades from his eager face. "Not eef you cannot see them, mais non? Bravo! Now zey are mine!"
"My glasses! I can't be seen without them! Why you...!"
The skunk fled my house, his paws loaded with magic love hearts. As he streaked down the street with the muscleman in pursuit, I heard him call: "Where are you, my leetle sunflowair? I am seeking you!"
I slumped to the floor, the very picture of dejection. The thin dude in jeans walked over to me.
"That ol' skunk got the best of it, tell you whut dang ol' took them hearts 'oh baybee come with me to the cashbah' out th' door n' game over, man." Having said this, he sauntered lazily out the front door and walked away.
"Goodness!" said the bear. "What rude friends you have!"
I rolled my eyes and sighed. "You, ah, wouldn't happen to have any more of those things...would you?"
She bit her lower lip. "I would have to go back to the Hall of Hearts for more. And I'm only allowed one trip out of Care-A-Lot per month. Can it wait?"
I pulled a twenty out of my pocket. "Here. For your trouble. I think I'd like to be alone right now."
I walked the streets steeped in my own sadness. As I passed the city limits, I became aware that a large grey rabbit was pacing behind me, sadly shaking his head as he looked me up and down. I ignored him. After some time he stepped in front of me and asked:
"Eh, what's up, Doc?"
"Oh, not much." I replied airily. "I just lost out on winning the love of my life thanks to a bunch of so-called 'romance experts'."
"Ya don't say! And what, may I ask, do you need DEM for?"
I turned away and exhaled impatiently. "I'm...shy, alright? I was scared, I didn't know where else to turn. They were supposed to let me in on all their romantic secrets."
He replied with a broad wave of his gloved hand. "Aaah, you don't need dere secrets! What you REALLY need is some noive! Da ol' CHOOTZ-pah! KAWN-fidence! And I'm gonna help ya! Here's all ya hafta do: Write this goil a ltter. Tell 'er what's on yer mind and suggest a cozy meetin' place!" He clasped his hands together, raised tham to one cheek, and batted his long eyelashes at me. "Guaranteed success!"
"I can't do it!" I cried.
The rabbit reached behind his back and whipped out paper and pen. "Sure ya can! Here ya go, Doc!"
"I can't!"
"Ya can!"
"Can't!"
"Can!"
"Can't!"
"Can!"
"Can't!"
"Can't!"
"Yes I CAN!" I screamed.
"Nah, ya can't neither!" he mocked.
"Oh yeah? Gimme that!" I tore the paper and pen from his hands and began to scribble angrily. The rabbit winked and jerked a thumb repeatedly in my direction. I did not know the meaning of these gestures, nor in my rage did I care. Finally I thrust the paper beneath his small pink nose. He nonchalantly unfolded a pair of glasses and began to read aloud:
"'Dearest One. Ever since the foist time I saw you I have wanted to meet you. You are the most bee-yoo-ti-ful goil in all 'a Toontown. Please meet me at the main gate of Jellystone Park, Toisday night at eight. If you don't come you will break my heart. Signed, your Secret Admirer.'"
"OH BRUDDAH!" he laughed. A stamped envelope suddenly appeared in his hand, and in a trice he had my letter sealed and deposited into a mailbox that to my recollection was not there five seconds ago. "Congratulations, Doc, ya done it!" He pumped my hand vigorously. "I wish ya luck! You're gonna NEED it!"
Thursday night, 7:50 PM. The bouquet rustled in my trembling hands. Why did I ever trust that crazy rabbit? Now, here I stood at the gates of Jellystone, my heart pounding, and-"
"Hey...I know you! You were at the skating rink last week. And you usually take a walk right around the time I go to school every morning, isn't that so?"
I turned, feeling faint. There she was in all her wide-eyed splendor, dressed in that pink-and-green uniform that floated so often through my dreams. I had never been so close to her before, and all I could do was gape like a landed fish. She smiled.
"My secret admirer, right?"
I nodded and held out the bouquet. "F-for you." I croaked. She shook back her russet hair and giggled.
"Thanks. I have to admit, this is very sweet of you."
"You...like them?"
"Mm-hmm."
It was far too late to turn back, and for once I didn't want to. I had to seize this long-awaited moment; I gathered up all my courage, scarcely able to believe the words that were coming from my own lips:
"So...ah...I see you and your friends like burgers and shakes. Do you think we could...go out for some tonight?"
She sighed. Her emerald eyes dropped. "Look," she said in a halting voice, "You seem like a nice guy, even if you don't look like my old boyfriend. But this just won't work. I'm not who - or what - you think I am. Thanks for the flowers, though; that was nice."
"I don't understand!" I said desperately. "I know who you are! You're the girl I've been waiting for all my life!"
Suddenly a young man stepped out of the shadows. He had either gotten lost on his way to the opera, or Halloween was running late this year. In his top hat, domino mask, and form-fitting tuxedo he presented a laughable sight - until you considered the daggerlike weapon he twirled between his thumb and forefinger. It was a rose, but its cut shaft looked as if it could pierce steel...or my flesh. He regarded me coldly.
"Is this Negaverse creep giving you trouble?" he barked.
My "date" never even turned her head. "He's not one of them. And I can handle this. Please go."
"Well, I'll be watching." he warned. And disappeared.
"Who was THAT?" I asked in confusion. "What's the Negaverse? What's going on here?"
She dipped her head and stood silently for a long moment. "I tried to tell you. I guess I might as well show you." She stepped back and crossed her forearms in a martial-arts pose, forefingers extended, as a sudden wind blew up around her. To my utter amazement, a metal antenna shot up from her forehead, its knobbed end pulsing with energy. As the air exploded around me she shouted out something I couldn't entirely hear; it sounded like "Thunder-Crash" and then I was knocked to the ground by a tremendous electrical burst. I looked up. There, in place of my date was a grim-jawed dynamo. It was still unmistakeably her...but as I had never imagined her. "Jumpin' Jupiter!" was all I could whisper.
"This is my secret...and now you know it." she said. "I have no time for dating. You see, without me, everyone in Toontown could have their energy sucked dry by the Negaverse. I'm truly sorry, but my duty comes first. Forgive me." She knelt down and helped me to my feet, and as we rose she gave my hand a gentle squeeze. Slowly, she turned and floated into the sky; just before she disappeared, she smiled at me over her shoulder. All I could do was stare as the lump in my throat grew larger. I began to sob, and through my tears I noticed something lying on the ground; the tuxedo boy had dropped one of his roses. I picked it up, walked over to a bench, and held my head miserably in my hands as I sat.
After a few minutes had passed, I felt someone else's weight on the bench. I looked up with reddened eyes to behold a pretty brunette dressed entirely in green save for her...combat boots? She regarded me owlishly through her glasses and asked:
"So, were you the only survivor of that train wreck?"
Despite my pain, I had to laugh. "No, it's not like that. I've just had my heart torn out by the roots, that's all."
"Well, your shirt survived it pretty well. Besides, a little misery never hurt anyone. It's a sick, sad, world out there."
I brightened. "Why...that's my favorite show! Do you watch it, too?"
"Every now and then. I usually spend my time listening to heartbroken guys sobbing on park benches. There are humane ways out of your dilemma, you know. They involve tightly knotted plastic bags. Is that a problem for you?" I laughed again. Whoever this girl was, she had the funniest lines I had ever heard.
"You know, those glasses look really cute on you." I ventured.
"The better to see hopeless, lifelong bachelors with." She gestured at the razor-like rose. "Did you grow that yourself or did you pick it up at a gun show?"
"Do you like it? Please accept it as my gift. It's the least I can do for the laughs."
"I'll pass on that. In fact, I think it's time to go. Your hormones are starting to drip on my boots."
"Wait! At least tell me your name!" I shouted.
But she was gone.
I made several fateful decisions that very night: Never again would I turn to others for advice when I already knew the path my heart should take; never again would I be fooled by appearances; most importantly, never again would I pursue a brown-haired girl dressed in green; these were the paths to heartache. Only by learning these lessons could I dare hope to prosper in romance, free from the dangers of being singed by love's savage lightning.
END
Dr. Toon wishes you a safe and happy Holiday season and all the best for the new year. Drop him an e-mail if you enjoyed this piece. Or if you didn't. Anything's better than waiting for that girl in green to call. Dr. Toon awaits your commentary on this month's column.
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