Un-retiring Types

By Martin "Dr. 'Toon" Goodman

As animation grows in popularity on the large and small screen, many retired toons have sought to touch up their paint and return to the spotlight. This month finds Dr. 'Toon hard at work helping these erstwhile stars reclaim their former glory...for a small fee, of course. Let's look in on a typical day in his plush Indianapolis office

Dr. T: Great coffee as usual, Mr. Cargo. Will you send in my first appointment?

(Intercom): On his way, Dr.

Dr. T: Donald, old duck! Great to see you! Woa...sharp-lookin' pinfeathers! Who's your tailor?

D.D. : (Unintelligible)

Dr. T: Oh, right down to business, eh? Well, patience was never your -

D. D. : (Loud and unintelligible)

Dr. T : Sheesh. Ok, look. That show you do with the three little dorks, that just ain't you, Don. You know it, I know it, the fans know it. What they REALLY want is the duck they used to know! Bad-tempered! Explosive! Throwing tantrums, busting up the place, and...paying...for...it! Angry is in! We got Spawn, we got Ren, we got angry beavers, we got everybody slappin' everybody around again just like the good old days - this is the right time for a big comeback, and the world needs you, Donald! Now, here's my angle: What we do is - (phone rings)

'Scuse me, Don. Hal-lo. King Leonardo and Odie? Yeah, I'll take it...Hallo, Leo?. Yeah. Look, I don't think it's gonna fly. No, it's that "king" biz...Well, read the papers, Leo! New World Order, or haven't you heard? These days it's either "democracy", "emerging democracy", or "terrorist nation". You gotta be more up to date!...Well, we can discuss it, but my feeling is "no go". Ok...Ok...bye. (hangs up)
Now, Donald, here's the slant. We get you in a new series where you are THE office worker of the 90's, kind of a "Dilbert" thing, see? But you don't face your problems with cynical wit and humor...you go apeshit! Picture you frustrated by computers, fax machines, copiers, buried in memos, confronted with undoable projects, lousy co-workers, and stupid presentations the boss shoves on you at the last minute! Sweat starts pourin off you, your eyes are spinnin' in those crazy spirals, and then...BOOM! Ah ha ha, man, can you see it?

D.D.: (Unintelligible)

Dr. T : You bet your fluffy ass! Now, I'm gonna try to get this sold ASAP - I'll call you by the 15th, Ok? Youre a real pro, Donald, great working with you. My advice; start practicing with a sticky keyboard and a busted mouse! (Donald leaves)

Dr. T: Another job well done! Mr. Cargo...is Flip the Frog here yet? Goood! Send him in! (Flip the Frog enters)

Dr. T: Yo, Flip my man! You tha' bomb!

FLIP: E-excuse me?

Dr. T: What it IS! I've been doing some thinking, frogboy, and I've got just the angle for your new series! You come back as a chillin', street-smart frog. You're gonna be fresh! You're gonna be a - pardon the expression - hip-hop star! Put that hat on backwards! Hmm..looks the same. No problem, we'll get you a bitchin' cap. Now...take off those shorts...

FLIP: HEY!

Dr. T: Don't worry, we're not casting. Put 'em on backwards. Great! Now pull 'em down around your ,uh, calves...Yes! Here, put on these Nikes - no, don't tie 'em! Woa! You lookin' baaaaaad!

FLIP: Yeah, I'll bet I do....

Dr. T: I'm gonna get Wyclef Jean to do your voice! What do you say?

FLIP: Who?

Dr. T: Look, Flip, stick those "surprise" lines back in your head. You haven't worked since 1933. You gonna let me handle this or what?

Mr. C., on intercom: Dr. 'Toon, Sniffles the mouse is out here...

Dr. T: He doesn't have an appointment!

Mr. C: He won't leave. And he won't shut up.

Dr. T: Aw, for cryin out loud! Excuse me a minute, Flip. (Enters reception area)

SNIFFLES: Hi Dr. 'Toon how come they call you Dr. 'Toon you don't have a white coat on like a doctor did you get my deal yet I sure hope you got my deal because I want to work so awful bad do you like to work Dr. 'Toon boy I sure do and if you got my deal then I can -

Dr. T: Now, look, Sniff. We're not gonna go over this again. Even if we could match the graphics to the live action 150%, no one is gonna buy a guest shot on "When Animals Attack IV". You're just too nice a guy and everybody knows it. Now forget about it, make an appointment with Mr. Cargo, and we'll kick around some other ideas. Ok, Sniff?

SNIFFLES: Oh, yes Dr. 'Toon I sure will I know we'll come up with some great ideas so I'll just make an appointment should I make it right now or should I go home and call Mr. Cargo because I know he's awfully busy and you're awfully busy are you going to slam that door on me why are you going to slam that - (a door slams heavily)

Dr. T: Jeez, is it lunchtime yet? Ok, Flip, now...FLIP! What happened!

FLIP: I tried to walk.

Dr. T: I know this'll take some getting used to, but it'll be worth it, trust me. You down with my plan, man?

FLIP: I'm down, all right...

Dr. T: Yeah! You the frog! I want you in here next Monday, nine sharp!

(Flip exits. A crash is heard, as if a frog were falling down a flight of stairs)

Dr. T: He'll get it. With a little practice. Now, let me see...(dials phone) Multi-Man! About time! Why haven't you been returning my calls? I've got news for you and the boys, I...What? A live-action feature? Wait a minute. I thought you, me, Fluid and Coil had a deal! We had a deal! Your agent? Who are you gonna listen to, your agent or me? What's he done for you lately, a three-hour Super Chunk on Cartoon Network? What's this live-action crap?...a musical?...The Backstreet Boys? You're breaking our deal for that ? Fine. Hey, fine, Multi. I have just five words for you and the other Impossibles - New Kids on the Block, get me? Yeah? To you, too, jerk! All one hundred of you! (slams down phone. It rings immediately) Hul-lo. Molly Moo Cow! Darlin', it's been ages! Yeah? You have a new act and you want me to handle your comeback...you're working with Super Chicken...You're calling yourselves what? Ah...Molly, we may have a slight problem with that...well... let me get back to you...bye. (hangs up)

Dr. T: Yeah, Feiss' lawyers would love that.

Mr. C: Dr., Deputy Dawg is here. Shall I send him in?

Dr. T: Might as well. Something's gotta go right today. (Deputy Dawg enters)

D.D.: Waal, hello, doc! What kinda uh, show, uh, did you find for me?

Dr. T: Deputy Dawg, sit down. Are you ready for this? Here's the scene: Two police cars come roaring up to this crack house in a dark, dangerous, neighborhood. You and another cop jump out, racing at top speed towards the place. "POLICE!" you yell, as a hand-held camera follows your every move! Your backup rushes in behind you as you smash down the door! Inside are five stoned druggies running around, swearing in panic as a baby cries on the floor! The camera follows YOU as you chase one of them and take him down on the front lawn! You bend his arms behind his back and cuff him as he squirms to escape! All the neighbors come out in their pajamas to watch as you help your partners toss the crackheads into the squad cars. Then YOU pick up the filthy, crying baby as the camera closes in on your caring face!

D.D.: That's a cotton pickin' great idea, doc!

Dr. T: Hey, we're just getting started. Now you're in the squad car, responding to a call, telling the camera how dangerous these domestic violence calls can be! You and your partner pull over to the curb just as a man, his dirty T-shirt spattered with blood comes out of his house and you say -

D.D.: Dagnab it, mister, can't you let people sleep around here?

Dr. T: Yes! You've got it! Every night we watch a real deputy at work on the mean streets, with a hand-held camera recording every thrilling minute! We call it....DAWGS!

D.D.: Waaal, consarn it , doc, let's do it!

Dr. T: I should be able to sell this in no time flat, Deputy. You can practically give the sheriff your two-week notice! Now, I want you waiting by the phone 'cause I should have great news soon! Take care, Deputy! (Deputy Dawg leaves)

Dr. T: Yesss! I'll get right on that tomorrow. One last thing to do today.....Mr. Cargo, I need you to take a letter for me...Dear Bobby Bumps: Although it has been difficult finding comeback roles for silent era toon characters, I have learned of an unexpected opening that may suit you. I have managed to get you a gig on a show named South Park . You'll be replacing another nonspeaking character who recently met with an unfortunate demise. I should tell you in advance, however, that there are certain risks associated with this role....

Have your people give my people a call and we'll do lunch.

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