This commentary is dedicated to the memory of radio writer Goodman Ace, who created this concept in the mid 1960's in the pages of Saturday Review. Ace's idea was so magnificent, so right, that it stuck in my sieve-like head for decades.
Yes, I'm a Santa. But I'm a very special version of Santa. I am Conditional Santa. Where Regular Santa's gifts depend on people being good in the previous year, my gifts depend on their behavior in the future. If they are good, their gifts are magnificent. If they aren't, they turn into lumps of coal. And this is a ride along with me on my visits to animators and animation companies.
I awaken the reindeer and take off from my home, in an eastern suburb of Orlando, Florida. (Yeah, I know, you presumed North Pole. We Santas pass that rumor around to keep away the paparazzi. I like the idea of those goombas freezing their butts off, looking for our workshops among the old DEW Line radar stations.) My first stop is halfway across the continent, in California, where most of the American animation companies are located.
Now that he has become a partner of Dreamworks SKG, his attention is elsewhere. He is currently at work on his first dramatic cartoon series, Battleground: Earth. However, he has publicly stated a willingness to continue participating in his Warner co-productions as long as Warner makes the shows.
And that is the conditional clause of his Chanukah present this year. I, Conditional Santa, am giving Steven Spielberg a solid Nielsen rating for Battleground: Earth when it premieres, a rating good enough to attract the public's attention and ensure several TV seasons of the show...if Spielberg actively encourages Warner to do more works with his original animated stars.
Such a project could be more episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures , now experiencing a second life on weekday Kids WB...more episodes of Freakazoid! , which has found a young adult audience on Cartoon Network...or maybe some kind of crossover holiday special for prime-time. The trick is that Spielberg has to push for these projects, not leave it up to Kids WB or others to suggest it.
This skin game plays out oddly. Kids WB's whitest characters - really white whites, namely Pinky and The Brain - were out of place on the evening schedule, and were defeated against CBS's 60 Minutes. And on the other side, until the premiere of Men in Black: The Series , there were no regular black characters in Kids WB shows.
But this race game is not the big problem. Kids WB's schedule is. They have tried to make kids entertainment more "exciting" by scheduling lots of special weeks and weird promotions. When they introduced Men in Black , they created promos giving every show a MIB -style logo. Bugs 'n' Daffy became BND , Animaniacs became SIB (Siblings In Blue), Pinky and The Brain became MIP (Mice In Peril), et cetera. They scheduled a three-part Superman/Batman crossover. They apparently scheduled the French-made Calamity Jane as a stopgap in the beginning of the year, when most of their new series weren't ready. Once Men In Black was ready for air, Calamity took a bullet. [The loss of which I personally mourn -- Webkeeper]
A little of this hype and stunting is okay. But since the 60's, it's become clear that viewers of all kinds - especially kids - want good, stable schedules. That's the only way the public can find the shows they like. Conditional Santa likes a stable schedule, too. And he awards Kids WB a good, healthy Nielsen for the entire linup - if the network heads keep their schedules more regular and stable. No "Big Kids Go First" to hide your programming mistakes. No stunting. Suprise us occasionally, but have your shows appearing at a regular time, most of the time.
There are beautiful things about anime. One of them is not the fanatic anime fans, who insist on calling themselves otaku . (The English meaning of which, not even Howard Stern would say.) The vision of white guys trying to be as Japanese as they can would be amusing, if it wasn't so sad. The Firesign Theatre, arguably the best comedy group of the 70's, lost their touch with America through their mindless adoration of a fictional, idealized American Indian culture. In the same way, otaku lose contact with reality through their intolerant beliefs about anime.
In the anime room of Dragon*Con, Atlanta's largest science fiction con, I saw a video ad for the Atlanta Anime Weekend. First it showed old science fiction movies of the Ed Wood persuasion. "No movies," a superimposed title said. (Modest applause.) "No Trekkies," the next title said over old Star Trek footage. (Cheers from the audience.) And over Trek footage of Worf, the title, "And NO F***ING KLINGONS!" (Audience goes wild.) The message was clear. Science fiction fans are pretentious and foolish. We otaku , on the other hand, are pure and holy. Pshyeah, right.
Just like the Klansmen and other racist groups who one-up each other by claiming to be "more white" than anyone else, otaku insist on the racial purity of anime . The thought of dubbing the dialog into English, or converting jokes to something English-speakers can find amusing, is heresy among the most vocal otaku . They'd force us all to sit through subtitles - or better yet, learn Japanese unlike the rest of those lazy, stupid Americans - and explain all the Japanese-culture jokes, even though explanation drains the humor from jokes.
Down the chimney of the Atlanta Expo Center, where the otaku are gathered like good little Bundists, Conditional Santa drops a present. The present is cheaper and more available anime tapes, videodisks and DVD's, along with greater publicity and appreciation for anime - if the otaku will quit being so insular and uppity about American culture. And if they won't...well, Time Warner's Batman and Superman provide many of anime 's virtues without the baggage of intolerance and otaku ...
Turner's independence of spirit can still be sensed in Cartoon Network. Rather than imitating the kids-only network Nickelodeon (a slave unit of Viacom/MTV Networks), he blended a mix of old and new cartoons that pleases kids and adults aren't ashamed to watch. Besides enormous libraries of Warner Brothers, Hanna-Barbara and MGM cartoons, CN has created witty, funny shows of its own, such as Dexter's Laboratory and Johnny Bravo . It is encouraging young animators to create original shorts for its What-A-Cartoon show.
The one place CN fails is in its self-promotion. How many times have they run the same promo with Genndy Tartakofsky talking about Dexter's Laboratory ? How many fatuous Toon Gang babbles appear on each day's log? And while their generic "image" spots are fun, how often can CN say "Watch our channel" without being annoying?
Conditional Santa has a special gift for Uncle Ted and Aunt Jane. Cartoon Network will appear on more cable stations, and get more critical respect for animation - if they start doing some original, live-action programming about cartoons! Before Chuck Jones shuffles off this mortal coil, how about sitting him down and discussing the old days at Termite Terrace - perhaps discussing it with Tartakofsky, or Leonard Maltin, or someone else who's knowledgable? How about discussions with voice artists like Maurice Lamarche, Tress MacNeill or Charlie Adler? How about Maltin hosting retrospectives of Tex Avery (the real one, not the cheesy new ripoff cartoon), Famous Studios or other animation entities?
Many of these don't have to be long talk shows - perhaps a few 30-second snippets, maybe five-minute chats (about the length of a cartoon short), that would fit into the varied program schedule. With the massive CN library providing animation sequences, it wouldn't be a talking-head show. These live-action discussions would encourage people to watch, even look forward to, CN's regular programming. And live-action programs can be made cheap - that should warm your heart, o Beshht 'f th' Beshht!
The current project is Mulan . When explained to the tourists by the tour guide, the response is distinctly ho-hum. Yeah, she's the first Asian to star in a Disney cartoon. (Which, given the lack of appreciation of Asians in American culture, is more daring than a black central character.) But the tourists don't care all that much. Why should they? She's just another Disney Princess.
Disney feature films without a Disney Princess are rare. While the Princesses have become slightly more active, they still remain the things of little girls' dreams. Flowers and lace and beautiful outfits, and very little to do but be placed in peril and rescued by a male lead. (In the case of Mulan, her ancestors send a male dragon, voiced by Eddie Murphy, to help her fight.) The Princesses are not action figures. Like most girl dolls, they are inaction figures.
Conditional Santa does not begrudge little girls their dolls; my cousin, Regular Santa, does quite a business in them. I'm just bothered that the Disney Princess is now a requirement for a Disney feature film. She arrives with the regularity of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" over department store Muzak systems, and usually at the same time of year. A dress-up dolly of a young woman is presumed to be the only way to involve girls in an animated feature. Even 20th Century-Fox has decided to center its animated theatrical film, Anastasia , around a Pseudo-Disney Princess.
Thus my gift to Michael Eisner and His Friends. Conditional Santa will make sure Mulan has enough audience attendance to break even, which without my magical intervention it won't get - if the next Disney animated feature has no Princesses! Let it feature a preteen girl like Pepper Ann, with great gumption and wit. Or animate Blossom (I genuinely liked Mayim Bialik). Make her a real warrior princess - before Xena there were legends of Amazon women, and those public domain legends are ready for Disneyfication. It's too much to hope for a theatrical Gargoyles film, with the non-Princess women Angelica and Elisa playing prominant and active roles...but that kind of project would be great, too.
Speaking about her character Xena (sadly already under animation contract to Universal), Lucy Lawless once said that she never imagined how popular the Warrior Princess could be. For everyone from lesbians to straight college girls to idolize Xena, women had to be starving for female heroes. Surely there's room amidst Snow, Aurora, Ariel, Megara and the rest for a heroine who can pull her own weight.
And now, Conditional Santa will rest in the waters of Daytona Beach, auditioning a new Ms. Claus for 1998. (Hey, one can be a friend to children and support feminist causes, and still appreciate babes in T-backs!)
Thomas E. Reed is a television engineer in Orlando, Florida. At Christmastime he likes to go to EPCOT, to see what actors are out of work or heavily indebted to Disney, and therefore forced to do the Nativity reading at the nightly Candlelight Procession. This year, he's expecting Chevy Chase and Arsenio Hall to do the job; that is, if Madonna and Prince aren't available. He'll tell you about it if you E-mail him at [tomreed@sundial.net].
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